Long distance relationship advice

Long distance relationship KoreaHe lives in Korea, and I live in Europe. That’s as long distance as it gets.

I’ve spent more than seven years in long distance relationships so far. This is my second one and it is a lot more successful and enjoyable than the previous. The main reason is that I found real and passionate love with a Korean guy, but another reason is that I learned valuable lessons the first time around.

The tips I got when I was an LDR noob were to make a serious plan with him for the future, to make sure I have a life of my own and not just spend my time waiting around for him, to have rules when and how we communicate, to visit often, avoid jealousy, establish ground rules from the start, to take turns visiting… What a drag! It sounds as fun and enjoyable as preparations for a nuclear disaster.

I’ve found all those advice pretty much useless. I either couldn’t or didn’t want to follow them.

I don’t want to have a specific time of the day when I’m allowed to call him or text him. I want to tell him things as soon as they pop into my mind. Being able to share my thoughts instantly (yay 21st century) is one thing that makes it less long-distance.

The thing is, you can’t change your personality because you are now in a long distance relationship. If you are not an active person and you depend on your partner, you will be that way whether in the same apartment or a world away. If you are not the jealous type you won’t get more jealous even if you can’t keep tabs on him for months.

Visiting often or taking turns is not really always (ever) up to you. It depends on money, time, schedule, and weather – nothing of which you can control. (If you found a way, you have my e-mail address.)

All these rules, they make a relationship sound like a chore.

The ultimate secret is that long distance relationship is still a relationship. It’s filled with love, passion, support, fun, deep conversations, and sharing. If it is not, then it’s not worth having.

The most common concern people have when they hear I am in long distance relationship is if he will cheat on me now that it is so easy. Ridiculous. Guess what, people don’t cheat because it’s easy. And if the only reason your partner is not cheating on you is because you keep such a close surveillance of him that he doesn’t have an opportunity, then you need to reconsider if your relationship is just an illusion.

Being apart from someone you love is difficult. Really, really difficult. But there is only one question you need to ask yourself when deciding if it’s worth it. Am I happier being with him, even if it is long distance, or being without him for good? If you choose the former, then won’t think it’s a sad situation anymore.

Every couple is different, they have their own dynamics. Don’t try to force yourself to be different. There is no one right way to have a successful relationship. There are probably as many right ways as they are couples. And don’t forget to have fun. So, relax, be the unique couple that you are.

Does that mean there is nothing you can do to make it easier? Of course not! When you get those precious minutes talking to each other, you don’t want technology to get in your way crashing and freezing. When you are finally sending him a package to show your love you don’t want to have to go back to the post-office three time (like I did).

We hope we can make your long-distance relationship a bit easier with our advice, and we think it will be especially useful if your significant other is Korean.


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27 thoughts on “Long distance relationship advice

  1. yey.. me also and my korean bf has also that challenge in our relationship–LONG DISTANCE.. but still worth it.. we love each other so much that we don’t care how far we are with each other.. we find ways to have conversation everyday.. sometimes kakaotalk has problems ,,we tried use skype,but sometimes theres web traffic.. if still not then we use Line.. we do everything for the sake of what u call “LOVE” .. crazy but true..hehehe..^_^

  2. Hello : ) just im searching about LDR and finally i found your blog . Actually im a korean girl who loving polish so i think you and i in similar situations. Im very glad to meet you If you like i wanna connect and talk more and more with you see you soon .

  3. It’s funny that ppl think first about cheating, because this clearly never happens in relationships when two are living in one apartment.
    Anyway I don’t think ldr are a problem nowadays, the only thing that would make me sad would be that I wouldn’t be able to hug that person, when I would want to, to smell the scent of his skin or just lie next to him watching a movie. That’s what I first thought.

  4. Dear Oegukeen
    I’m so grateful you create this website. It’s useful and encouraging. And you’re very nice to response to all comments. Here’s my story and I need your advice because my boyfriend and I are going through a hard time.

    We first met in late Nov 2012 in a bus when he traveled to Vietnam. I am 23 y.o. Vietnamese and he 27 y.o. Korean. We had a conversation when he asked me about places. Then I decided to show him around the city. He stayed for 6 days and we had a very good time as friends. We also got to know each other a lot. Before he went back to South Korea he told me he was into me. Even though I liked him, I however didn’t believe it worked.

    But we still kept in touch after that through skype and emails. Gradually we realized that we were very fond of each other and I wrote him an email telling that I would like to make things work with him. He was very happy to receive it. He loved me and he was vocal about this. I did the same.

    In late Dec 2012, he surprised me by visiting me for 4 days. That 4 days was a happy time for both of us.

    We, of course, want keep our LDR. We had cheerful conversations and couldn’t be happier.

    From Feb, he started his new job and become very busy. I was a bit shocked at first but we figured out a schedule for talks. But as I was in a bad mood and got a lot of free time due to unemployment, I have become desperate for talking with him, sending emails, facebook messages, texting him and calling him. When he didn’t response to any of them, I was easily mad at him.

    5 days ago, I was upset again because I called him many times and he didn’t pick up. The next day, when we skype, he told me he was tired at that time and he didn’t call me back in the morning since we were supposed to skype tonight. I didn’t agree with him. Then he told me he felt scared of me!!! He told me I watched every of his actions and behaviors and got pissed off if he didn’t response. He told me that when he check his cellphone, finding out that there were 10 missed calls from me, he found it was scary.

    I was shocked and very sad with what he told me. How could he feel scared of his girlfriend? I asked him what he expected me to do for our relationship. He said he didn’t know and needed time to think. So I suggested we stopped talking for one week.

    It’s been 4 days we haven’t talked or emailed. Actually, I have spent time thinking about this and see that it’s my fault. I sent him an email admitting my fault and saying sorry to him 2 days ago. He hasn’t replied yet.

    The good news is now I got a job and start working (my first day at work is the day after we argue!). So I think now our relationship is balanced since we both have our work.

    However, I am very anxious and worried as he hasn’t contacted me for 4 days. Is it a long time? For me, it is. I miss him a lot. I am afraid he’s gonna break up with me. I don’t want to lose him at all.

    Can you tell me what I should do. Should I patiently wait for him as I already sent one email? Or should I send another or call him? I just do not want to appear pushy again but I concern if we keep silent, it may harm us.

    I am sorry for this long post.

    • Hello,

      Thank you for your kind words about our site. It makes us so happy that people like it.

      I’m sorry you found yourself in this difficult situation. I understand what you’re going through because I also have more need for contact than my boyfriend does. We managed to find the balance that makes us both happy so I hope you two can do the same.

      I can’t imagine not talking to my boyfriend for a week, and it’s a bit strange he is ignoring your e-mail, but since you are the one who suggested, then it’s better to wait and not be pushy.

      I’m not sure what to advise you. You were in a difficult situation being unemployed and it’s understandable you needed support from him. Seeing he had a missed call from you and not calling you for a whole day after that is a bit strange. On the other hand, I admit I would also get stressed if I saw I had 10 missed calls from someone!

      It’s great you have a new job, and I agree it might balance things out. I suggest you wait for your week to go by and then talk to him calmly about what you need from that relationship. But don’t be too surprised if you don’t hear back from him even after the week goes by. (Kimchi Man thinks it seems like your boyfriend is gone for good). In that case the best thing is just to move on, which I know is much easier said than done.

  5. My boyfriend is 27 y.o Korean while I’m 23 y.o Vietnamese. We have been in a 4-month long distance relationship after 6 days of know each other when he traveled to Vietnam. We couldn’t be happier during the first two months. He appeared very passionate about me and was vocal about his love toward me.

    Then he got a new job and become very busy. We talk less. As I am having a tough time with my job, I wanted to talk with him. I sent him emails, messages and called him also. But sometimes he didn’t response and I was easily mad at him.

    Last Saturday, I called him several times but he neither picked up nor called me back in the next morning. Next day, Sunday night, I asked him why. He told me he didn’t call back because we were supposed to talk tonight. I got frustrated since I didn’t find it reasonable. But then, as I kept asking, he told me he was scared of me. He feels like I have been watching all his actions and behaviors and ready to get pissed off at any time. He told me it was scary that I check on his every log on skype, that there were 10 missed calls last night.

    I was very shocked to hear that. It’s sad when your boyfriend is scared of you.

    I spent 2 days thinking about this argument and knew that it was my fault. So I sent email to him saying sorry. But he hasn’t reply back for 4 days.

    What should I do? Should I send another email or call him? Or should I keep silent and wait for him?

    I am really anxious and worried now. I am afraid that he may break up with me.

    • Hi
      I’m sorry I was so upset that I forgot to say a decent hello. Thank you for creating this wonderful site and giving lots of advice.
      I hope I can receive your advice soon because I am really desperate. Not hearing from him for 6 days is too much for me.

      • It’s ok. Your first comment got caught in the automatic spam filter, but I manually approved it so everything is alright now. I replied to the longest one up there.

  6. Hi. Im Laura from Lithuania and I work in england at the moment. I was always interested in east asian culture. During my recent first visit to korea to see my friends I also went to couple dates with few korean guys,that I met online. And it happened that I liked one of them and he liked me back and my 3 week stay was a little emotional. he also asked to be his gf on our first date but I did not agree until our later dates. So now im back to europe and we keep our relationship. I plan to come to.korea again after few months. I never been in long distance relationship neither in any kind long relationship so I am doubtful and worried. I was happy to find your site. Thank you.

    • We are glad it could be helpful to you.

      Due to crazy and unlucky coincidence I’ve spent almost 7 years in long distance relationships. It’s difficult being apart but it’s not any scarier than normal relationship.

  7. My boyfriend is in the korean military, talk about lack of communication for months. It is okay though because things can really work. It makes you appreciate the little things.

  8. Hello, just went to say thank you for making this website. It feels good to know that there are other people feeling the same pain, sadness, frustration that one feels in a LDR. in fact, if at all possible, I would highly recommend against them but sadly I fell in love with a Korean girl and am now stuck in this challenging situation. We saw each other almost everyday for three months before she had to go back to finish her last quarter of college and we’re supposed to see other in two months (it’s already been two months since I last saw her) and its been hell. I feel really sorry for the previous girl in Vietnam as I’ve also been the nerdier one haha even though I’m the guy but I’m a passionate guy so yeah it’s been tough. Anyways loop writing as you’re really helping others with your work. Thanks

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