[Q&A] Korean single mom in the eyes of Korean man

Korean single momWhat is Korean men’s view on someone who is a single mom?

single mom asked:

Hello, I just actually today discovered your blog, and it is so very informative and wonderful. Thank you for all the knowledge you are sharing.

I would please like to solicit your opinion on the situation I find myself in. I am a woman of African descent, who is not American. Recently, I happened to unknowingly join a well-known website for people all over the world to meet each other, because I accepted an app without really checking it out. I decided to just use it to make friends and after my first day of trying out the site, I met what has so far turned out to be a wonderful Korean male friend.

From the very first moment we started to exchange messages, our exchanges have been fun, quite long, and in detail. Sometimes it is light fun, sometimes it is serious exchanges talking about our individual opinions on serious matters. I would like to mention that on the site, I get bombarded with messages from men who think I am so so beautiful and want to get to know me, but they approach me in a purely sexual manner, which is a great turn off for me. But this Korean guy is the utmost gentleman, in fact, I keen to think he must think I am ugly, lol. I don’t know, and even if he does, it has not affected our friendship. He has commented to me that he thinks I am very smart. From the start, he told me he is naturally very shy and reserved and he finds it hard to talk to people, especially foreigners, and worse yet, black women. He said that his nerves get the better part of him. But our exchanges seem so smooth and easy, that I told him that if he had never told me that, I would have never noticed.

I am also a single mother, and attending medical school. He and I are the same age, which is 31. I deliberately did not let anyone know I have a child because I figured if I was just looking for friends, it wasn’t really any of their business, and if I actually got close enough to anyone, then I would let it come out naturally, just like I do in my offline relationships. Well, the talk about single parent families came up eventually, and I felt it was the right time to tell him that I had a child from a previous failed relationship. I had always heard that Koreans look down on single mothers, so I was very nervous about telling this to him, and was sure that our friendship would end, but I felt like if that was the case, then it would be better to find out if he was worth my effort anyway.

He told me his opinion, which was that he hated infidelity and movies that glorify it, and that he would rather remain single for life than fathom the possibility of raising a child in a single parent household. In my reply I revealed to him that I was a single mother and also explained to him how I ended up in the situation, because I did not want to be perceived as a promiscuous slut. In his reply, he was incredibly sweet and admitted that although it is not something he is used to, he knows that it is not uncommon among westerners, and that it wasn’t my fault for having loved someone and failed at love.

He told me that as long as I am happy in my decision that my life is the most important and that is all that matters. he eluded to the fact that maybe he wouldn’t have expressed himself the way he had if he knew I had a child, but I didn’t tell him so he did not know, but that he understood why I didn’t want to, and that he was very grateful that I chose him to share a subject that was hard for me to reveal to him. Then he told me that he did not think I was stupid, but that he views me as brave, intelligent, adventurous and independent. Then he told me that it was true that in Korea, single mothers are looked down upon, but that it was mostly by the older generation, and that it angers him when he hears them talk about the women that way, because in life anything can happen. He said that he thinks the younger generation is moving away from these biased cultural views and he knows it will take time, but he hopes it’s all for the better.

In light of all this, I had made a pact with myself that I was not going to “like” anyone in anyway like that, but the more I exchange with him, the more I find myself liking him against my own will and good senses. I am not saying that I think he has feelings for me, like I said, I think he must view me as physically unattractive despite everyone else saying otherwise. He has never once told me I am pretty, cute or beautiful, and I don’t know if it is because he is shy or what. Before he found out that I had a child, the most he told me was that he is not a smart man, but that it is I who is the very smart person. lol. So I want to know, even though I know you may not have the answer, but want to hear your opinion on what a Korean man’s view might be on being with someone who is a single mother.

Thank you for liking our blog.

I’m not sure. Guys might get scared if he had to deal with not just a woman but with child as well. Aren’t guys in other countries like that as well?

I think it would be similar for women who meet single dad if she doesn’t have experience with child. I don’t think many people know about it and how to deal with it. And also single parents doesn’t have as much time for dating.

I don’t know much about what other Korean guys opinion but I think older generations think it’s something bad. I think their opinion is children deserve better.

But I know divorced people and single parents. I don’t think it’s not common in Korea. We have high divorce rate. I don’t know details but pretty much. I think single parent family are common than Korean might think. But I can hear and people write about that often. So it’s just time we are acknowledging it.

Single moms complain about why people feel pity for them. I don’t like it. And others talking about why don’t you think about single dads. They are in same bad condition.

And talk about how is it in Europe. If we have trouble we interview some European. ^^

I think your guy tried hard to show you he has good opinion about it. And about you. Just some people are shy or not used to give compliments or anything about people’s looks.

– Kimchi Man




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7 thoughts on “[Q&A] Korean single mom in the eyes of Korean man

  1. 한글로 댓글을 다는것에 대해 용서를 구합니다..^^;
    저는 40대의 남자에요.. 싱글맘에 대한 인식들이 많이 변하고 있는 건 사실이라고 생각합니다. 싱글맘에 대한 한국인들의 인식은 싱글맘이라는 것 그 자체보다는 어떻게 싱글맘이 되었는가 라는 점에 더 초점이 모아진다고 생각합니다. 저의 아내와 만난지는 10년이 넘었는데, 제 아내가 저보다 7살이 많아고 저와 만날 당시 두 딸의 엄마였어요.(지금 큰 아이는 미국에 공부하러 갔고, 작은 딸은 같이 살고 있습니다. ) 저는 결혼한 경험이 없는 총각이었고.. 제 부모님께는 딸이 있다는 걸 숨긴체로 제 아내와 7년 쯤 같이 살았습니다. 3년 쯤 전에 제 부모님께 사실을 말하기로 결정하고 어렵게 말씀드렸는데.. 반응은 예상외로 긍정적이었습니다. 물론 속으로는 많이 속상해 하셨겠지만.. 너희들이 좋다면.. 어쩔 수 없지.. 라는 것이 저의 부모님들의 반응이셨습니다. 저희는 아직 정식으로 결혼을 하지는 못했습니다. 작은 아이가 아직 사춘기에 있어서 저를 받아들이기가 쉽지 않은 듯 해서.. 조금 더 시간이 지난 후에 결혼을 하려고 합니다.
    제가 다니는 교회사람들의 시선은 격려를 해주시는 분들도 있고, 좋지 않은 시선으로 보시는 분들도 있습니다만 들어내놓고 비난하시는 분들은 없습니다. 제가 살고 있는 곳이 부산이고 부산이 비교적 보수적인 곳이라는 점을 고려해 본다면 싱글맘에 대한 또 저와 같은 가정에 대한 한국인들의 시선이 예전과는 많이 달라졌다고 자신있게 말할 수 있을 것 같아요..

    고민을 상담하시는 여자분에 대해서는 한국인들의 시선과는 별개로 펜팔을 하시는분과의 미래에 대해서는 장담할 수는 없다고 생각합시다.

    김치맨이 언급하신 것 처럼 싱글맘인 친구를 두는 것과 그런 싱글맘의 배우자가 되는 것은 완전히 다른 문제이니까요..

    다시 한번 한글로 댓글을 단 것에 대해 용서를 구하면서, 여자친구분께는 김치맨님이
    번역해 주신다면 영광으로 알겠습니다…^^

    고민상담하신 분께도 조금이나마 도움이 되었으면 좋겠네요..

    • 명색이 “Loving Korean” 인데 한글로 쓰셨다고 용서라니요.
      오래간만에 한글을 보니 반갑습니다 ^^

      제가 아직 사회경험도 별로 없고 그냥 관찰자 입장에서
      그저 보이는것만 이야기 할 수 있었는데
      직접 이야기를 들을 수 있어서 제가 영광입니다.
      고민상담하신 분께 분명 큰 도움이 될거에요.

      제가 쓰신글을 대충 번역해서 여자친구에게 보냈어요.
      글을 남겨주셔서 다시 한번 정말 감사드리고
      4 가족 항상 행복하시고 건강하시기를 기원하겠습니다.

      그리고 혹시 이 좋은 이야기를 한국어를 못해서 못보는 비극이 없도록 영문으로
      올려도 될까요? ^^

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