Loving Korean

40 responses to “[Q&A] Korean men do not think foreign women are attracted to them?”

1. 

   Anonymous

   January 4, 2013

   This post is pretty much what the Korean guy I’m dating thought — that I wouldn’t like him because he wasn’t Western.

   It surprised me because it wasn’t something I’d considered. In fact, I was worried that he didn’t like me, because I’m blue-eyed, tall, and not part of Shoujo Jidai… pretty much the same reason he was worried. :)

   So in my teeny-tiny sample size – he was surprised that I’d like him.
   And I was surprised that he would be surprised, since I thought he didn’t like me.

   Reply
   1. 

      oegukeen

      January 4, 2013

      It seems so far we all had the same experience. But as you say, it is teeny-tiny sample size ;)

      I guess it is normal to worry when you fall in love, and worry is magnified if we come from different sides of the world. While I look like any other woman in my country, compared to Korean girls I am very tall and hairy. I was terrified what Kimchi Man would think when he sees me. It went better than I could have ever dreamed about :)

      Reply
2. 

   Cindy Zimmer

   December 31, 2012

   I remember the first time I talked to a Korean guy that I had a crush on when I lived in Korea, he was incredibly surprised that I was interested in him. Love the discussion on this here!

   Reply
3. 

   Nic

   December 30, 2012

   My husband has a lot of other Korean guys saying they are shocked and jealous that he has an Australian wife. He has been quizzed many times on our relationship and how he met me etc.

   The problem is, society and the media have been giving out a message that Asian guys are lesser men somehow for a very long time. It’s been soaked into Asian men’s consciousness for a long time and it’s hard to get rid of. Even now a quick search on youtube brings up videos about why Asian guys can’t get Western girls and stupidity like that.

   I have friends who mean well but say things like “Your husband is good looking for an Asian guy.” Why do they need to say it like that? Or they say, “I don’t usually find Asian guys attractive but your husband is cute.” It’s reinforced again and again that Asian men are less attractive or less manly or something. And even some of my friends, instead of rethinking their view on Asian men, just assume my husband is the exception to the rule because it’s that ingrained in their minds. Even with a big Asian population in the US, Asian characters in movies are usually some stereotype for humor. The male romantic lead is never Asian in Hollywood movies.

   Everyone has preferences for what they find attractive but Asian males have been overlooked for a very long time. I still get some snide comments from white Australian males because I’m a white woman with an Asian husband. Again this idea is bandied around that how can a white woman want an Asian guy. Why doesn’t she want a “real man”? Ugh.

   There can also be accusations that Western women interested in Asian guys are only interested because of the hallyu wave and that the only Asian guys we are attracted to are ones that are super handsome and different from the average Asian population. Not true. There have always been women attracted to Asian guys. Unlike what some people think, there isn’t some innate repulsion towards Asian guys. Strip away all the stereotyping and impact society has and there will always be plenty of women attracted to Asian men. I first dated an Asian guy long before I had heard Kpop or watched Korean dramas.

   I’ve done a bit of research on early Chinese settlers marrying white Australian women. From around the 1850’s there were lots of marriages where a Chinese man married a white Australian woman. Although some may have been marriages for economic reasons, there were enough of these partnerships to know that many also married because of affection and love- and they were willing to risk societies censure for it too. Even in the very conservative and racist 19th century.

   I think partly its because Korean men may have just absorbed so much of the negativity about being an Asian man that they can have a hard time believing that a foreign woman, especially a Western woman, would be interested in them. Also because they just haven’t seen enough examples of it.

   It’s slowly changing because of the hallyu wave, but in general most Korean guys have no contact with the women now interested in Korean men, so in general they do get surprised when a non-Korean is interested in them. They may be starting to hear about it more, but it’s easy for them to dismiss because still on average a Western woman is unlikely to approach them, and the media still dismisses this type of pairing as too strange.

   Some negativity even comes from the hallyu wave itself. I’ve seen fans on forums say many times that only the Korean guys in dramas/movies and Kpop are handsome and no normal Korean guys are handsome at all. I’m assuming these girls are judging by the very limited Korean population in their own school because within the big Korean community here there are plenty of very good looking guys who can rival actors and Kpop stars. Of course, as in every population, most people don’t look like stars, but there will always be very good looking who are normal people. But the point is- a Korean guy doesn’t need to look like a star for a woman to be attracted to him anyway. And attraction is only one part of love anyway.

   The other thing is that it’s always more surprising for a Korean to see an interracial couple than it is for… say the average Australian. Because it’s way more multicultural in Australia, though a bit more unusual, people aren’t shocked, but always when we meet Koreans they are surprised at our relationship, which I think is also for cultural reasons.

   Anyway, sorry, that ended up being an essay!

   Reply
   1. 

      Nam

      December 31, 2012

      It’s good to see you are aware of this. You do a Google search, and you’ll see the African American female and the Asian male are the most marginalized in Hollywood media. I mention Hollywood because it affects everywhere wherever you are. So media has a huge sway in changing the perception and this has affected everyone.

      Now I really do like the attention Korea is getting through Hallyu, but now there is both positive and negative stereotypes accentuated. Everyone knows dramas, movies and pop culture is fiction but one can forget this isn’t reality at times. I do meet women who are obsessed with Korean male stars and find it unsettling. I fear they will be disappointed once they see the real Korea not the fictitious one.

      @Nic, a former Korean Sydneysider here. There are lot of Asians and Koreans in Australia now and it the population continues to explode compared to my last visit! I’m sure mixed couples isn’t considered unusual anymore.

      In addition, there’s an Australian stereotype that still pervades everywhere I go that Australian are white racists. If you’re from an older generation they’ll remember the White immigration polices back in the past. Australia is very different from that past and are they a happy and accepting bunch!

      Reply
      1. 

         Nic

         December 31, 2012

         That is true that Australia is very different from the past, and many other countries seem to have more issues than here. On a whole, multiculturalism has been successful here, so it’s a shame that there is still that racist stereotype. My husband and I live in an area of Sydney where there are many many Koreans. It’s really good for us.

         Reply
         1. 

            Ajaz

            March 11, 2013

            Happiness is a relative term. Were ppeloe centuries ago unhappier because they did not have much of the amenities (but also problems) we have today? They simply had no clue that such things will ease lives one day. And it is similar in North Korea. The country is so isolated that they do not know anything else (except for the few priviliged ones who do not spread the word to not lose their advantage). The best way to try to understand the system is a trip there it will be a lasting experience.

            Reply
            1. 

               Nic

               March 11, 2013

               I have to disagree with you there. Yes people in previous centuries had no clue about things in the future, but of course there were varying levels of happiness. I’m sure those who lost all their family because of illness were not as happy those who had a happy family, regardless of the fact that neither had future amenities.

               And why are so many North Koreans escaping if they apparently don’t realise they are unhappy? Even if North Koreans don’t know about the outside world, they are not dumb, they feel grief when loved ones die, they feel shame when they can’t feed their children, they feel anger at injustice, just because they haven’t experienced a life outside of Korea doesn’t mean that they don’t feel those basic emotions and those type of emotions can really hinder a feeling of happiness.

               For years the propaganda of North Korea was that the rest of the world has it so much harder than them but North Koreans don’t all believe that any more, even those in remoter areas. The world is seeping into North Korea, and it’s too hard to stop now. There are so many written accounts from North Koreans about what their lives were like, the anger, the distrust, feeling that they can’t even trust their own families. All these things lead to them making the decision to leave, even if they knew nothing about the outside world. It’s offensive and wrong that you are insinuating that North Koreans are all happy because they don’t know the outside world.

            2. 

               oegukeen

               March 11, 2013

               I really agree with Nic and disagree with you.

               A mother can not be happy her children are dying just because she doesn’t know immunization shots will ever be invented.

               Being cold, sick, hungry and in pain makes people miserable. Something you never have to experience because of the amenities of today’s world.

      2. 

         oegukeen

         December 31, 2012

         I don’t think you need to worry about Hallyu wave fans getting disappointed. Most of them are teenagers and it is perfectly normal to daydream, fantasize and idealize at that age. We all go through it, and we all grow out of it.

         Maybe we should sometimes be more like that, and see the world in the more positive light.

         Reply
   2. 

      oegukeen

      December 31, 2012

      You have explained the problem so well. I have written about this Korean-men-are-not-attractive/are-only-attractive-because-of-Hallyu problem in previous post on the clash of prejudices.

      I didn’t know about Chinese men in Australia, I really appreciate you brought it up. I was surprised that interracial marriages in USA were outlawed until recently. But what comforted me is that to have the need to outlaw them meant that average people WANTED to get married in the first place.

      I live in a country without almost any immigrants, which is good and bad at the same time. Good because I was naively ignorant about all these prejudices against Asian men. Met a guy, fell in love, and that was it.
      Bad because sometimes people can be insensitive and ask questions that people in the USA know are not appropriate. (Sorry I am using USA as an example, I really know too little about Australia)

      Reply
      1. 

         Anonymous

         December 31, 2012

         If you’re interested you should read up on Liverpool and its Chinese seamen in the 1800s. A very interesting account of their Eurasian children and their lives. Liverpool is also home to the first Chinatown in Europe.

         Reply
      2. 

         Asian Studies Major

         January 27, 2016

         This is a late reply, but relevant. >D Interracial marriages in the United States with Koreans have been affected both by immigration laws and anti-miscegenation laws up until the mid to late 1960s.
         Brief history:

         From just after the first large waves of Chinese immigration in 1740s, there were anti-immigration laws passed to keep immigrants coming into the united states because a lot of domestic politics rested on ‘saving jobs’ and domestic economy.. the need for immigrants was over once the railroads were built from coast to coast. There had already been laws passed where Chinese could not bring their families here, and if they returned to China, they couldn’t come back. It was also a crime worthy of the death penalty in China, if you were caught trying to leave China -but the economic situation there was worse off for most Chinese.

         Until the early 1900s, immigrants were still not easily allowed from Asia into the united states, but prior to WWII , we’d loosened controls just a bit, finally realizing that the laws that’d been were unconstitutional. Later, immigration was made easier, but the United States only wanted Japanese immigrants who had money and were willing to start businesses…(Koreans were not allowed to immigrate out of their own country at the time), and the influx at the time, of Japanese into America ended up helping with the efforts in WWII. Because they too, were drafted, even though their families were corralled into internment camps, their businesses and homes subject to search and seizure, and they were not allowed to own property in their own names.. amoungst other hardships that they were subjected to as people in the United States feared the effects that immigrants would have on the economy etc. The Japanese soldiers however, fighting for the United States during WWII, were the most decorated of all the soldiers in any military branch. They fought hard to prove themselves to be good American Citizens even when their rights were routinely denied.

         During 1965 and 1967, during a time when soldiers from WWII and the Korean War were coming home with War Brides, there became a desperate need to be able to accommodate for the new wives they were bringing home. This is what led to the repeal of anti-miscegenation and certain immigration laws by the US Supreme Court, even though many individual States had repealed them many decades prior.

         These anti-miscegenation laws applied to all persons not of white-heritage and some of the immigration laws are still in place, used today in some cases, to keep immigrants out of the United States.

         Keep in mind, in South KOREA, it was illegal for most Koreans to leave the country for almost any reason outside of working for the government, up until 1988. Even if Koreans wanted to immigrate to the states or anywhere else, or travel for leisure, it was nearly impossible until that time.

         For these reasons, MOST Asian Americans in the United States today, have been in the United States for less than three generations. Many Koreans, for less than two. THIS is one reason why interracial marriages with Asian-White couples are so rare in the United States. There is a long history of anti-immigration on both sides; there is a long history of anti-miscegenation on both sides… and there are also stereotypes/ societal perceptions and discrimination to contend with. The way that stereotypes have formed over the decades of politics and war and various waves of immigration and halted immigration… it all affects the way that we perceive various racial and ethnic groups.

         But.. That said, interracial marriages between whites and asians in the United States have been few and far between when it comes to Asian Male/ White Female, because it was not until recent that it was legal. SECOND, ONLY MEN were bringing home Asian war brides, so naturally, the ratio of Asian Female/ White Male is far more prevalent. TODAY, this also happens. There are still many American men who go to Korea, are stationed there, and bring home brides who had been forced to work in the sex industry. They buy their freedom and then bring them back to the States.

         Reply
   3. 

      Asian Studies Major

      January 27, 2016

      As for the Asian-American demographic, it is important to note that as many of these families have resided in the United States for such a short time, they often adhere more strictly to the traditions of the countries they came from. Not enough time has passed for them to become as acculturated as other immigrant groups, so this by itself can pose hurdles when in long-term, committed relationships with quite culturally different White-Americans. And since many Asian countries are influenced strongly by Confucian beliefs, Asian-Americans hoping to become more Americanized so to speak, are often faced with figuring out how to cultivate new personal identities that can satisfy the demands of two very different cultures.

      This poses difficulty for Asian-American men hoping to be recognized by Americans as masculine, when White cultures and Confucian cultures express masculinity in different ways -as will be described below. And Asian-American men are hard pressed to find a happy balance between the two.

      **********For example, in the case of Asian-American men, regardless of whether or not they identify heavily with their own native culture, if they violate the gender ascribed (Confucian) expectations that their society, family, and peers place on them, they may face a certain level of social ostracization for not conforming to those norms. For this reason, many Asian-American men adhere strictly to traditional gender-roles more often than not. (Asian American Psych., 219)*********

      Pop-culture adds hype to the age-old Confucian concept that (Asian) men gain a sense of self worth by having the focus to succeed at work, attaining power over other individuals (including the girl they like), and by being highly competitive. (Asian American Psych., 219) The power of control and respect from others is essential to their saving “face” in front of the rest of society. For other reasons also, these things bring a sense of self-worth to the man. The accruing of wealth is always directly related to an (Asian) man’s eligibility to marry, and therefore, his ability to fulfill his filial duty to society and to his family.

      *******Therefore, in order to prove his worth to society and to his family, men must meet a lot of financial obligations first; such as buying a home or paying a sort of dowry to the soon-to-be-in-laws in order to prove that he can support their daughter in marriage. If he cannot reach a certain level of income, he can expect to be a bachelor (for theoretical) forever, leaving him unable to fulfill that sense of responsibility that has been ingrained in him throughout his entire life. Thus, these things bear far greater proof of an (Asian) man’s masculinity than by simply looking at the size of his muscles or how many weights he can lift.********

      For many Asian families who come from countries such as South Korea or China, where Confucian ideologies are a way of life, the outmarrying of a child, especially an eldest son, can be thought of as the end of a family line. Perhaps this seems a bit extreme to culturally White-American readers, but when we understand the weight of filial piety that traditionally Confucian cultures places on children, it may not seem so incomprehensible. Even in modern times, Asian women, when married, are stricken from their own family record to be added to that of her husband, so a son is the only one who is able to carry on the family line. Thus, pressure from family for an eldest son to enter into a good marriage is typically very high.

      The eldest son of Asian families is also the one who inherits most of the family’s wealth, so in the case of an interracial marriage, this can become a source of suspicion or resentment when all of the family’s assets are essentially going to an “outsider”. It must also be considered that due to the fact that marriage was traditionally for the purpose of preserving and possibly increasing a family’s wealth, social status and continuing the family line, even up until the 1990’s, half of all marriages in South Korea for example, were still arranged by parents toward this purpose. Embracing any change to that cultural norm can be difficult for older generations.

      The eldest son in more traditional Asian families also bears the greatest burden of responsibility to the family out of all the children. When he marries, some of the eldest son’s responsibility naturally falls onto the shoulders of his wife; such as caring for the parents in their old age, and cooking traditional holiday meals for the entire family. But if the son were to outmarry and the spouse does not recognize these expectations or chooses not to fulfill them, it can put strain on family relationships since her duty to family is not being upheld. And not fulfilling one’s duty to family can create a sense of shame for everyone.

      For non-Asian-Americans then, who choose to marry into an Asian-American household, it may be important to consider just how traditional the family is, which they are marrying into. Discovering and discussing the expectations put on the couple by the family may be pivotal to a happy relationship with the in-laws. And because Asian and Asian-American families are typically very close-knit, maintaining a good relationship with the family as a whole, will likely mean greater happiness with the spouse, too.

      Reply
4. 

   Nam

   December 29, 2012

   Opinion from one Korean male. I do agree with Kimchi Man, I guess the Korean Man/foreign women pair are so rare in Korea we just cross it out as a possibility. I don’t think there is a problem with attraction, Koreans just consider interracial dating/marriage as taboo but times are changing in Korea.

   Personally I happen to travel/live overseas and meet a lot of interracial couples and attend school with biracial children so I don’t think it is taboo at all. I personally have met a Korean man/Zimbabwe couple and my own father dated foreign girls and married an Austrian. In my father’s case he just didn’t care what his parents thought and wad quite the aggressive playboy type. So honestly too many variables to consider and one can talk forever about this.

   Reply
   1. 

      oegukeen

      January 9, 2013

      It’s great you have experience with so many interracial couples. It’s good to know people fall in love all around the world.

      I like the idea that there are too many variables to describe a person. Certainly labeling them with their nationality and hoping to predict their behavior is silly.

      Reply
5. 

   최다해 gongjumonica

   December 29, 2012

   Hmm I find it a bit true for my Korean friends. They have too much insecurities! Humble and cute though :)

   Reply
   1. 

      oegukeen

      December 29, 2012

      Modesty makes them so sexy. I wonder how much that is going to change because of Hallyu wave and millions of screaming girl fans :)

      Reply
      1. 

         최다해 gongjumonica

         January 2, 2013

         Hahaha I like them shy :)

         Reply
6. 

   petitpandaii

   December 28, 2012

   I find it cute that they think of us that way, but it’s untrue. Most people would rather date inside their own race than have an interracial relationship. I think due to the Hallyu wave, more and more girls would rather date α Korean man than anyone else. Personally, I’ve fallen in love with the country and culture, so dating α Korean guy would be perfect (or at least someone that shares my interest in Korea, right?). It’s all about compatibility, instead of looks and race. If the two people click, they should be together. (:

   Love is like α puzzle – the differences are what makes us fit together like pieces of α puzzle.

   Reply
   1. 

      oegukeen

      December 28, 2012

      Kimchi Man checked Korean blogs and message boards for this post and whenever a Korean man – western woman photo showed up comments from Korean guys included words “envious” and “jealous”

      But as I said at the beginning, we can’t truly know from just a few examples we come across in our daily lives without a real scientific research. :)

      You are right that it is all about compatibility.

      Reply
      1. 

         Renee Hetrick

         June 21, 2015

         there are many “non Korean” women loving groups on facebook I happen to belog to alot..

         Reply

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